“Lucky I’m in love with my best friend, Lucky to have been where I have been, Lucky to be coming home again.” – Jason Mraz ( <3>
I haven’t been lucky. I’m not in love with my best friend.
Today, a close friend of mine started dating this really nice guy. I’m really happy for her because well, it’s just nice to see her giggle like an ass every time she receives a text from him or she talks about him. It warms my heart. And I’m happy for her. On the other hand, when I got to know about it, at the back of my head, a cold voice said “why aren’t you with someone? Why doesn’t anyone like you?” and just as soon as I heard that voice, I knew that the numbing feeling that was coming over me wouldn’t go away for another 28 hours. I was hesitating to put this up, because it reveals a part of me that I don’t like. The part, that thinks that there might be something wrong with me. And nobody ever likes to think that.
So, today I want to talk about being in love, being in a relationship. This day had to come, sooner or later when I would’ve broken down and ranted about how truly pathetic I am and how I’m going to die alone with 88 cats. And how the last sound that I will hear wont be the silent whisper of a loved one, but the mew of one of those 88 cats that I forgot to feed. So its better if I bring this up, sooner than later because I assure you dear readers that I will get progressively whinier with every post, so bear with me.
I’ve never had a boyfriend. Never. Not in the 16 years of my life. I’ve never kissed a boy, never felt loved/ liked by someone who isn’t genetically programmed to love me.
If someone was to ask me what about what I was scared off the most? I’d say, “being lonely.” Right after screaming “CLOWNS!” really loudly and running away really really fast. It’s the loneliness that scares me. The feeling that you get when you see your best friend’s boyfriend hugging her from the back or when you sit in a dark corner in a party when all the couples are dancing. I can’t describe it. One of my friends did describe it. She said that it must feel like you were empty. She was right. You feel like there’s something missing. Hollow.
I believe in being in love and finding that someone that you can be with forever. Right now, all I’m feeling is lonely. Right now, all I want to do is experience all those bittersweet things that one experiences in a relationship. I want to feel someone’s arms close around me, shielding me from all the pain in the world (DRAMADRAMADRAMA). Or maybe just hold someone’s hand. I know this sounds lame and cheesy and I’m ashamed of this part of me that needs someone but right now, I feel a bit sad and I need to write about it. Anyway, it must be nice to have someone who really likes you
Loneliness is the scariest thing out there.
Someone once said, “Alone all alone, nobody but nobody can make it out there.”
I agree.
Honestly, I think I know pretty much exactly what that feels like, unfortunately. Precisely like yourself, I'm 16, never been kissed, never had a boyfriend, never had anyone show any interest in me whatsoever, never anything like that. One by one each of my friends is getting snatched up by some cute boy that gives her hugs in the hallways and sends silly text messages. And while, sure, you're happy for their happiness, it's basically impossible not to feel a little down on yourself. I mean, we're only human.
ReplyDeleteI guess I just tell myself that my time will come... even if it takes a bit longer, it'll happen eventually. If those hideous/obese/crazy wives on WifeSwap can find husbands, surely there must be someone out there for me, haha.. :P
But yeah, just know that you're definitley not alone. :)
Here's a few thoughts on this:
ReplyDelete1) Our culture tries to make you think that you HAVE to have a significant other. You don't. Romance sounds wonderful, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with not having a boyfriend/husband if you don't want one. (I understand that you probably DO want one, which makes this comment invalid I guess, but keep in mind that if you decide you don't need one, there's nothing wrong with that despite what many people would have you think).
2) Not having a boyfriend doesn't mean you have to be lonely. Yes, there is a certain kind of loneliness that comes from being single, but maybe if you're constantly surrounded by friends (preferably not with their boyfriends/girlfriends but if so, what can you do?), perhaps that will help distract you so that you no longer feel so empty?
3) When/if you do get a boyfriend (and believe me, these things happen when you least expect them to, at least the best relationships do), you and him will both probably be much happier about the fact that you don't have emotional baggage from previous relationships.
Just some ramblings that may help. :)
i'm in love with my best friend.
ReplyDeleteits probably the worst feeling ever because he doesn;t love me back. D: