How apprpriate. ^^
I’m in a dark place right now. So much so that I wanted to slap someone when I saw my cheerful white background with its cheerful little stupid header. I get up feeling lost. Is that possible? To feel lost in your own bed? I don’t feel inspired and I don’t want to complete my homework assignments or even just do my own work like practice on my SAT math or even work on my so called book. Things at home are strange. They’re not bad…just strange. I hate the festive season.
I had a strange dream last night. It was one of those horrible dreams in which you know you’re in a nightmare and even if you try, you can’t get up. And then when eventually you do get up, you discover that it’s still a dream. Very inception like, btw. I’d appreciate the strangeness of the whole ordeal if I didn’t just feel so damned unsettled forty hours after I had woken up.
It’s been this way for a week now. I’m borderline paranoid. I feel exhausted even when I’m not. I guess I’m just not satisfied. I’m not happy with where I am academically or if I’m achieving my goals where school extra curricular is concerned. Oh and thanks for asking. My Diwali Mela sucked. A friend of mine said that she felt defeated afterwards. She was right. I felt defeated too. It was just THAT bad. I don’t want to write like this y’know?! I don’t. I want to write down shiny happy things because there’s nothing REALLY wrong with my life. There’s just something wrong with my head. I read all these happy blogs and I want to hit myself for being such a pessimist, for romanticizing every little problem in my life. But I can’t stop. I can’t not think about all those things that are unsatisfactory in my life. I cant just ignore the feeling of helplessness when my mom complains about how crap her life is. I can’t do it. I cant get myself to go out and talk to people, to stop wanting to just sit in a corner and watch hours of Megavideo. And what I don’t want is, to subject anyone who reads me, with incessant whining. So I’m sorry.
I suppose right now, I just want need someone to give me a call and tell me that I’m not slowly going crazy. I’m going to try and cover up the bad writing with a semi-impressive quote now.
“I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that gnaws in us all.”
