How you like me now

I havnt written for very long. Its almost been a year since my last post, and if I didn’t know better, I'd call this a classic case of very very bad blogging.
There have been a variety of reasons for this.
1) My mac got stolen. (YEAH. THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS.)
2) When I got another one, the word on it wasn’t woring. So..I obviously couldn't write because there's nothing like writing a few half wit sentences on word to feel good about yourself.
3) And then, there is the classic excuse of, “Oh I've been so busy.”

But really its none of the above. I havnt felt the need to write. And even when I did, I wrote it all down in my journal or just let all my thoughts go up in smoke as I wasted my time brooding over the lyrics of some indie song.
But now, I feel as if I'm disappointing myself, not writing as much as I should.
So I will. I promise I’ll be better.
Oh, btw. Ive managed to get a job. It pays very little, but its experience that’ll help me and I'm going to get me an internship at some publishing house here in Delhi.
So I have a summer filled with lots and lots of activities.

I can feel your heartbeat?

I am now going to have an extremely superficial moment and say, “guys, its getting damn hard to find initiative to post when there’s no one reading what I’m writing.” I know, this should only be about the writing, but honestly right now it feels like I’m shouting out into an empty void of darkness. I suppose I expected something out of this, something more than I have. I have friends who blog a lot, and a few of them can probably be called professional bloggers, and they get so much more than just having a portal where they can voice their opinions. They have all found friends, people from around the world who are so different yet so strangely alike. I don’t know, I suppose at the end of the day you just have to be happy with what you have.

But right now, I’ve found something, and I can’t have it. For the love of god, it’s killing me.

Have you ever had an idea in your head of the perfect guy? Your ideal type, the one that is impossible to find? I’ve always had that picture clear in my head. He has to be cute; I honestly don’t care about the “beautiful on the inside” bullshit. And most importantly, he has to be able to write. He has to be quirky, kind of like the guys who like talking about zombies and ninja/pirates and if there really were a god out there, he’d be a musician. (What’s your type?)

Turns out there is a god out there, such a guy exists but I can never ever talk to him because honestly, LIFE IS JUST NOT FAIR AND IS QUIET FRANKLY A LITTLE BACKSTABBING SLUTTY LITTLE BITCH.

Anyway, go watch Tangled. It’s a typical Disney movie, with a princess (Rapunzel) and your average, save-the-day-prince charming and it’ll make you want to sing till little birdies come and do your laundry. It’s awesome.
This post was lame. So is everything else.

I keep listening to “I can feel your heart beat” By Enrique feat Nicole Scherzinger. That explains SO much.

RESOLUTIONS, BABY.

It’s the first day of the New Year and I’m sitting next to my mom and writing this blog post. I figured that today would be a great day to write a blog post about perhaps one of the most clichéd topics that one can write about on new years.
That’s is- New Year’s resolutions.

I’m honestly not excited. I liked 2010 quiet a bit and I would’ve preferred it if it would’ve stayed. But life’s a bitch, we gotta follow the damn calender and habitually celebrate this day every year. So I did too, this year. I went over to a friend’s house and it was alright. What I really wanted to do was honestly, just stay at home and watch t.v. till I fell asleep or go to some place where the music was too loud for me to even hear my own thoughts and just dance. I’d like to do that today, just dance. But I’m not complaining.

My mom once told me that January first was not really the new year, new year for every one is the day they’re born, their birthdays. Interesting right? Maybe I’ll believe that and not try to kill myself on my birthday. I hate birthdays.

But that’s not the point. This post is about resolutions. I have decided to make five resolutions this year and not follow them. (its tradition. ☺ )
Resolution no. 1- Learn how to do a full split by the end of the year.
Resolution no. 2- Embrace your inner ninja-pirate.
Resolution no. 3- Get skinny?
Resolution no. 4 – Stop caring so much.
Resolution no. 5- Write my first novel by the end of the year.

This year, I’d actually like to follow the 4th and 5th one. And maybe the 2nd one because its just so damn awesome.
“I’m not young enough to know everything.”- Oscar Wilde.

I read this somewhere.

Dear Twilight fans,

Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.

Sincerely, Logic.

I read this at this amazing site (dear blank, please blank). You need to check it out. I dont think I've laughed this much in a long time.

It's a magical moment and it's fleeting.

I’m writing after a long time. I feel inspired. It’s a special moment. I’m listening to some Coldplay song whose name I don’t know, but it reminds me of happy days and fresh cut grass. It’s about Christmas. It’s one of those rare moments where I feel truly happy and sad at the same time.

I had a strange evening. I went over to my friends place to do a psychology project. We went out to get some chilli fried potatoes. And as we walked in that perfect cold weather that was just cold enough to make my cheeks a bit more rosy and the tips of my finger tingle, I realized that I would always remember that moment. I would always treasure those simple fifteen minutes filled to brim with pointless conversation, some greasy potatoes from the shady Chinese restaurant, cola bars and the smell of cigarettes in the cold air. Don’t you love that about life? It gives away little moments like these like presents on a Christmas morning. These emotions make life a bit more bearable, a bit more magical. I know I’d say this out loud if I were in a movie right now.

I don’t want to recall the rest of night which didn’t go as well but I don’t think I’ve felt as happy as I feel right now. Maybe it’s the Coldplay song that I’m listening to on the loop or the fact that I suddenly want to sing and dance.
I feel like I’m a bit in love and a bit sad at what has been happening and how I’ve been. But right now I want to thank this one boy who writes his thoughts in a little tumblr blog, who has given me a piece of heaven unknowingly through his words. He doesn’t know me, neither do I know him. Can one be in love with someone without ever speaking or looking at them? Can someone be in love with just words?

Maybe I’ll write again soon about what I’ve been doing, but right now I’ll go hum a little tune and smile a bit more. ☺

“Up above candles on air flicker
Oh they flicker and they float
But I'm up here holding on
To all those chandeliers of hope”

This is a witty title, isn't it?

How apprpriate. ^^

I’m in a dark place right now. So much so that I wanted to slap someone when I saw my cheerful white background with its cheerful little stupid header. I get up feeling lost. Is that possible? To feel lost in your own bed? I don’t feel inspired and I don’t want to complete my homework assignments or even just do my own work like practice on my SAT math or even work on my so called book. Things at home are strange. They’re not bad…just strange. I hate the festive season.

I had a strange dream last night. It was one of those horrible dreams in which you know you’re in a nightmare and even if you try, you can’t get up. And then when eventually you do get up, you discover that it’s still a dream. Very inception like, btw. I’d appreciate the strangeness of the whole ordeal if I didn’t just feel so damned unsettled forty hours after I had woken up.

It’s been this way for a week now. I’m borderline paranoid. I feel exhausted even when I’m not. I guess I’m just not satisfied. I’m not happy with where I am academically or if I’m achieving my goals where school extra curricular is concerned. Oh and thanks for asking. My Diwali Mela sucked. A friend of mine said that she felt defeated afterwards. She was right. I felt defeated too. It was just THAT bad. I don’t want to write like this y’know?! I don’t. I want to write down shiny happy things because there’s nothing REALLY wrong with my life. There’s just something wrong with my head. I read all these happy blogs and I want to hit myself for being such a pessimist, for romanticizing every little problem in my life. But I can’t stop. I can’t not think about all those things that are unsatisfactory in my life. I cant just ignore the feeling of helplessness when my mom complains about how crap her life is. I can’t do it. I cant get myself to go out and talk to people, to stop wanting to just sit in a corner and watch hours of Megavideo. And what I don’t want is, to subject anyone who reads me, with incessant whining. So I’m sorry.

I suppose right now, I just want need someone to give me a call and tell me that I’m not slowly going crazy. I’m going to try and cover up the bad writing with a semi-impressive quote now.

“I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that gnaws in us all.”

HATEPOST HATEPOST HATEPOST HATEPOST HATEPOST HATEPOST HATEPOST

Okay, so I’m back sooner than I said.
You know who I hate? Liars. Liars and hypocrites. At times when I’m typing all these angry words, I feel guilty about subjecting my obviously negative emotions to all of you reading this but honestly, its MY blog and too bad if you hate this, you can read one of the happier posts. I hate the people who I have surrounded myself with, in my life. More than that I hate myself for not finding the right kind of people. After all, doesn’t it somewhat depend on me?
Have you ever had a friend that screwed you over but you just kept returning to her over and over again to find yourself being engulfed by those similar feeling of claustrophobia just because its more comfortable just being with her? I think every one has at least one of those friends. But the question is, why do we? Why do we keep returning to them just to get hurt again? Or is it just me?
I find it hard to trust people these days. It’s because I’ve been screwed over too many times. Why is it SO hard for people to just STOP lieing? Why is it THAT hard to just say what the real deal is?
I HATE EVERYONE.
Okay, now I’m off to the Diwali Mela. Imma write happy things about that later.
I feel so much better. I might hate everyone right now, but I love you forevez blogger.